Now I am alone. I walk down the same hall way that I use to give care to patients and now its me. They prepare me for surgery and I answer a million questions through the tear drops. Finally David is there. They ask questions that no woman should ever have to answer, no decision a woman should ever have to make. I start to feel weak, my chest starts to hurt, my head starts to pound. They promise me I won't feel a thing, but please tell my heart that!
Finally a familiar face my doctor. Explaining, reassuring, and giving us hope for our families future. They lay me back and begin to wheel me in the room. The bright lights nearly blind my already cloudy vision. I'm most thankful they have drapes over the tables, I didn't want to see any part of it. They slide me over to the table, taking my hands to show me the closeness of the edges asking me to try not to move. There is lots of commotion and then silence, peacefulness, and I was no longer on that table in that scary place. I was being blessed by God with dreams of my week before playing with my kids, reading on the balcony, Emily learning to swim, teaching our kids, playing, smiling, and laughing with them.
Then what seemed like a moment of peaceful bliss there were those lights again, but no if I just stay asleep this will all go away, I can stay in my place. There was bustling all around me. They removed the tube from my mouth but I still couldn't talk. I could hear everybody but not make them out or tell who was talking. I overheard two nurses chatting as they gave me meds and unhooked all the monitors, that there heart broke for me, that there were tears running down my cheeks and they wanted to cry every time they looked at me. I tried to speak I asked where my baby was and the nurse just said "sweetheart your baby is gone." And then I remembered, I was not in my dream I was here in the hospital and was automatically reminded of why I was there and why my heart was hurting. I began to come around a little more, they started asking questions and all I could hear was someone in the background say "could you get her husband?" Yes please why is he not here yet.
I was wheeled over to post-op where there was a familiar face Bonnie whom David had worked with in the ER at one time. She slightly remembered me, rushed to get me cleaned up and comfortable. Finally David arrived as I glanced at him with broken eyes, still coming out of Anesthesia and feeling not really there. Bonnie gave David all my instructions knowing that he would be my care taker and knowing I will be in great hands. She said I needed to stay on bed rest and take it easy a few days. She must not know me too well I don't sit still for very long, but little did I know this surgery was going to kick my energy right out the door.
Now it's just God, David, and I there is nothing anyone can do for us we must begin to heal my body and our hearts. To know that one day we will rejoice in his works and find strength in our story.
We don't know if God will bless us with another baby, but we have hope that if we walk in his will he will light our path with much rejoice.
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